EX-Suicidal

Wow! I’m at home, and as I was washing dishes, I just had a flashback of my life when I was in the 5th grade (11 yrs old) and tried to commit SUICIDE!!!!

My mom had a lady friend who lost everything she had and became homeless. This lady found somewhere else to stay, but she had a son whom she didn’t want to be in that environment with her, so my mom offered to let him live with us for a while. When the boy moved into our house, my mom made me share everything I owned with him, because he didn’t have anything. I had to share my clothes and shoes, my toys, my favorite snacks and even my bed. To be courteous to the guest, I often slept in my sleeping bag on the floor while he slept in my bed.
By me being the only child, you can imagine how spoiled I was. By me having to share everything with this boy against my will, I grew very selfish and angry in my heart toward him. I became bitter and full of hate. I used to fight him all the time and make him feel unwelcomed. And of course, I would get in trouble with my mom because of it.

I began to hate my mom too, because I felt like she was neglecting me by putting this other boy before me. I felt forgotten, rejected, and unappreciated. Even though it wasn’t true, and my mom did love me dearly, I was too blind by my own selfish and calloused heart to see that. So one day, I decided to take my own life. “If my mom wants to put this boy before me,” I thought, “then fine! I’ll just kill myself and he can take my place as her new son. This world would be better off without me anyways!”

I went into the kitchen one day when my mom wasn’t home, and I grabbed the sharpest butcher knife from the drawer and pressed it up against my chest. I was about to stab myself in the heart. The boy was in the house with me and saw what I was doing and attempted to stop me. But I wouldn’t let him. Even though I was afraid, I proceeded to shove the knife into my chest when all of a sudden I heard a voice in my head: “IF YOU KILL YOURSELF, YOU’RE GOING TO HURT THOSE WHO LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU’RE GOING TO HURT YOURSELF.” I didn’t know where that voice came from, but I thought about it. If I die, that’s it. I don’t have to live with the pain of loneliness, depression, rejection, etc. anymore. But on the flip side, my mom will have to live the rest of her life with the pain of a son who committed suicide. I grew convicted. Then I put the knife back in the drawer, ran in my room and cried. How could I have been so full of hate and selfishness?

I was not a Christian at that time and I didn’t know the voice of God, but I know now that it was Him who intervened in my life and saved me from contemplating suicide! Thank you, Jesus! I don’t believe I’ve shared this testimony with anyone before, except my mom, but that wasn’t until years later. But I just wanted to share it now since it ran across my mind.

If you are contemplating suicide, know that although you may be putting an end to your pain, you will be causing pain to the many others who love you. Don’t do it! Jesus saves. He can deliver you from depression, hopelessness, loneliness, rejection, self-hate, shame, or anything else that may be tempting you to want to end your life. Jesus loves you and can give you a reason to live! Trust in him!

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Deliverance From Homosexuality: From the Inside Out

When God starts the process of delivering us from our sins, he starts in our heart, and he begins to do a work from the inside out.

Specifically regarding those of us who are overcoming HOMOSEXUALITY, many spectators expect to see immediate change in our outward appearance, how we dress, our mannerisms, our gender roles, our posture, how we stand, how we walk, the pitch in our voice, etc., and when they don’t see outward change, they are quick to judge us because they think we have not encountered true deliverance. But they fail to stop and think about what God may be doing in our hearts and minds.

Deliverance from homosexuality starts from the inside out. In our hearts, God is dealing with us on our identity first and foremost–letting us know that we are sons and daughters, not homosexuals and lesbians. By us spending intimate time with God by reading our Bibles, God’s teaching us that we were not created by Him to be gay, but that we were born from our mothers wombs into sin and shaped in iniquity; and due to our sinful nature, outside influences and our personal experiences in life, we’ve developed a proclivity to homosexuality. But God’s also teaching us that although we were born susceptible to this behavior, we can be born again through the receiving of the Holy Spirit by the renewal of our minds. God is reaffirming our original and preordained identity as either male or female. And he’s reaffirming his purpose for our sexuality, that is, to be fruitful and multiply with our spouse of the opposite sex.

God is reassuring us, despite what we’ve heard, that he doesn’t hate us as people; on the contrary, he loves us unconditionally but hates our lifestyle decisions because they go against his will for our lives. Through the baptism of the Holy Ghost, God is pouring out his love into our hearts so that we may be filled to overflow and made whole. As a result, we don’t have to go looking and searching for love through other people or through sex, because we already have a relationship with God, who is Love. We are fulfilled in Him.

In our hearts, God is restoring our hope that change is possible, because many of us fed into the lie of “once gay, always gay.” He’s restoring our nature as men to be leaders and not follows; pursuers, not the one being pursued. He’s shaping and molding us to be the top and not the bottom; the head and not the tail; the lender and not the borrower. For the women, he’s restoring their nature to be soft and feminine, not hard and masculine. He’s teaching them how to submits to man, instead of trying to compete with man. He’s teaching women how to be vulnerable and how to trust again. He’s reminding them that they are beautiful and precious, and teaching them to embrace their womanly qualities and curves, instead of hiding them under the baggy jeans and sports bras.

God is affirming us with his word, and he’s letting us know that our validation and identity can be found in his son Jesus Christ, so we don’t have to look for it among our heterosexual peers or among the LGBT community. God is delivering us from rejection, which caused most of us to turn to the gay lifestyle in the first place.

He’s giving us self control over our vessels, teaching us that our bodies are a holy temple and we shouldn’t just lay up with anyone in the bed. He’s delivering us from the shame, guilt and self condemnation that comes with the sexual promiscuity of that lifestyle. He’s letting us know that he washed our sins away with his blood, so we don’t have to feel bad anymore. He’s letting us know that there was an exchange on Calvary–That he became a homosexual for us so we can become the righteousness of God through faith.

Spectators don’t see all of this that’s taking place on the inside, though. All they see is our outward “residue,” saying things to us like, “You still sound gay,” “You still dress gay,” “You still act gay.”

But effeminate does not equate to homosexual. Tomboy does not equate to lesbian-stud. Femininity   deals with having female-like mannerisms, homosexuality deals with having same-sex preference/desires. Just because you have soft, flamboyant or woman-like characteristics, doesn’t mean you have homosexual desires or that you actively participate in homosexual behavior. I’m the same manner, just because you are masculine doesn’t mean you are heterosexual. There are many gay men (open and dl) who are macho. And vice versa with the ladies. Just because she is a tomboy and feels more comfortable in pants, a t-shirt and sneakers, and doesn’t like dresses, heels and make-up doesn’t mean she is a stud or butch, or that she wants to be with other women. Not every lesbian dresses like a guy. There are some lipstick or femme lesbians, who choose to dress girly. That’s why you can’t judge a book by its cover.

While it’s true that some flamboyant behavior are picked up due to your role in the gay lifestyle (e.g. twist walk, flinging wrist, rolling eyes, popping tongue, etc.), that’s not always the case. Some men have never been introduced to homosexuality, but they’ve been raised by women and have picked up their flamboyance from their mother, aunts, or female cousins and friends, or involvement in the arts. Some women picked up their masculinity from being raised around more men, such as their fathers, brothers, male cousins and friends,  or their involvement in sports.

While I do believe that God wants us as men to be generally masculine and women to be generally feminine, life happens. The way we are nurtured, or brought up in our environment plays a role in how we develop. And sometimes, it’s hard to change our mannerisms after we’re been groomed like that.

But God is able. Let’s keep praying that God builds our respective masculinity and femininity. But let’s not become discouraged when he doesn’t do it when we want him to. God is patient with us. So let’s be patient with ourselves. And let’s not try to conform to what society’s spectators says we should be. Let’s allow God to make us into who he wants us to be. God is the potter and we are the clay. We are in his hands; still a work in process, but in due time, we will be perfect as he is perfect.

Others’ Deliverance Is In Your Testimony

I came out of bisexuality and other forms of sexual perversion. I used to live on the down low because I was ashamed of my lifestyle and also because I was afraid of correction, rejection, persecution, and losing my reputation. But when the Father began to draw me out of that lifestyle by his Holy Spirit and by his great love, he told me that he wanted me to come out of the closet. He told me to come out of the fruitless deeds of darkness and into his marvelous light. He told me he wanted to take me from under the bushel and to set me up on a hill for all to see. He said to me loud and clear, “In the world you lived on the DL, but in Christ, you shall be known as Transparent.” That’s how I got that nickname.

I didn’t want to expose myself, but in order to get delivered and to be used by God, I had to. Proverbs 28:13 says, “He who hides his sins (on the DL) will not prosper, but he who confesses (comes out the closet) and repents (turns away from the lifestyle) shall receive mercy. Once I came out and allowed God to deliver me, my testimony set me up on a platform and birthed a deliverance ministry in me, where I have been used to empower literally hundreds of struggling homosexuals to seek deliverance in Jesus Christ.

Listen, Saints. Other people’s deliverance is in our testimony. That’s why we can’t keep quiet about where God has brought us from. Don’t get caught up in your reputation of who you think you are now, because without God, you wouldn’t be where you are. You must lose your reputation for the sake of the gospel. Don’t worry about what people will think of you for having a history of drugs abuse, sexual immorality, witchcraft, extortion or illegal activity, religious hypocrisy, etc. That was the old you. But you are a new creature in Christ now. They can’t judge the dead man, because you’ve been raised to a newness of life. Who are they to condemn what God has already justified by his blood? You aren’t sharing your story for the self righteous who think they have arrived, anyways. You are sharing for the sinners, to relate to them and to draw them to repentance.

When Jesus delivered the man with the legion of demons–who was living among the dead in the tombs, butt naked, cutting himself with razor sharp rocks, practically out of his right mind–Jesus told the man to go back into his hometown and tell everyone he knows about how the Lord had restored him, and had compassion on him, and to share with the people of all the wonderful things the Lord had done for him. Basically, Jesus told the man to open up and be transparent.

Our testimonies about where we’ve come from isn’t for us to keep to ourselves. Our testimonies are works of God which are meant to be shared. They are miracles that will cause people to believe in Jesus as the Son of God, a mighty deliverer, and as the Messiah, or the Savior of the world. So open your mouths, and testify! Be #TransparentForChrist.

Why I Stopped Viewing Porn

I was introduced to pornography in middle school, around the 7th grade. You know how it usually starts off–in the home. I was snooping through my parents room while they were out. Being nosey, I ended up finding their secret stash, and took it back to my room to watch it. I didn’t know then, that my curiosity would lead me into a 10 year addiction, leading all the way through college.

Being a porn user has caused me more suffering than pleasure. I developed a distorted view of sex, and started to confused sex for love. I began to have sexual fantasies for anyone who I came into close contact with. Certain key words or phrases I heard during conversations would trigger me to think about sex. I couldn’t even go to certain locations like the gym, the bathroom, the basement or the swimming pool area without imagining myself entering onto a porn set. I couldn’t sit next to anyone on the couch without anticipating for it to turn into a foreplay scene, because that’s how it goes down in the movies. I was in mental torment every where I went. Porn caused me to stay up until 3-4 a.m., losing sleep every night; and it caused me to be distracted in school. It caused me to lose interest in real life relationships. It caused me to have perverted dreams and nocturnal emissions. It opened the door for a lot of demonic play in my life. Seeing naked men in heterosexual porn videos eventually awakened my curiosity for bi/homosexuality.

When I became a born again Christian, these were the many reasons why I asked God to deliver me from porn. I wanted to be renewed in my mind. I didn’t want those unclean spirits to torment me with sexual dreams anymore. I didn’t want to see my pure friendships in a perverted way. I didn’t want porn to continue to fuel bi/homosexual desires in me.

And just recently, I thought about something else… I’m engaged to get married. That means I’ll be having children of my own one day! I definitely don’t want to pass this generational curse on to my kids, as I have picked it up from my parents! I don’t want my kids to say that they found a stash hidden in Daddy’s room, or pornographic bookmarks saved on Daddy’s computer, and that’s how they became porn addicts. No, they will NOT go through what I went through! I rebuke that cycle in Jesus name!! It ends with me. Thank you Jesus for delivering me, and thank you for protecting my future kids from this addiction.

Porn Is Not Glamorous

EX-Porn Addict

Mark 9:47
“And if your eye causes you to stumble, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell…”

Hebrews 12:1
“… let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily besets us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us.”

EX-Porn AddictPornography has had a stronghold over my life for almost 10 years. I was introduced to it in the 7th grade (by both classmates and family members), and the addiction followed me all the way through college, even after I got saved. It destroyed my mind and distorted my view on how I saw both women and men. I wanted to be free from the cycle, but in order to overcome my addiction, I had to apply the two aforementioned Scriptures to my life. Keep Calm. I didn’t actually gouge my eyes out. (This photoshopped image is just an exaggeration of what it would look like if I did. Thank God I didn’t take Jesus’ words literally, right? Lol).

But as an alternative to me cutting out my eyes, I started cutting off every access I had to pornography. I had to lay aside every weight that held me back from my full deliverance and from running with endurance the race that was set before me.

In just one day, God instantly took away my desire for pornographic magazines, VHS tapes and DVDs. It was sometime in the beginning of 2009, a few months after I got saved, when I was watching porn in my dorm room, and I suddenly felt the Holy Spirit sit next to me on my bed. The atmosphere became so thick as if I was on holy ground. I felt so filthy in the presence of a Holy God, and I knew I was being watched. The light had shinned in my darkness and I felt exposed. I became so convicted, I took all of the sexual pictures and movies I had, broke and/or ripped them up, put them in a plastic garbage bag and threw it in the dumpster. I have never went back.

God later convicted me about throwing away any books I had with sexually explicit content in them, including novels by Zane. At one point in time, I used to have satellite cable, which I used to watch the Playboy channel on when no one else was home. But that subscription was soon canceled. Cutting off all these avenues to pornography was easy for me to do, but staying away from Internet porn was the hardest, because I actually needed the Internet to take care of other important things, like: school work, job-related work, to pay bills, check email, etc.

But here’s the good news! It’s been over one year now since I have been without Internet at home! I didn’t get it turned off to avoid watching porn, but only because I can’t afford Internet right now. However, I did notice that ever since my Internet subscription got cut off, my struggle with porn decreased drastically! Sadly, when I purchased my first smart phone with Internet on it and found out that I could watch porn on there, I backslid and ended up watching it on there a couple times. But one day when I was downloading a porn clip, I received a pop up warning that said I was going to catch a virus if I did so. That freaked me out because I remember when I caught a virus on my laptop for watching porn and my laptop crashed. I didn’t want the same thing to happen to my phone, so I haven’t watched porn on my phone ever since. So, I basically cut off every access that porn had to my life (books, magazines, satellite, VHS tapes, DVDs, Internet, cell phone, etc.)

298784_2430054351385_1191450748_nI’ve also been under the wing of Shelley Lubben, who is an ex-porn star! She taught me what really goes down in the porn industry. It’s definitely not glamorous. Through reading her book: “Truth Behind The Fantasy of Porn” and by reading up on all the porn facts provided through her anti-porn ministry “The Pink Cross Foundation”, it has given me a new found hatred for porn. Every time I click on a porn site, I’m contributing to the destruction of countless sex slaves in the porn industry. I don’t want to support something that is destroying lives.

I’m learning to give no foothold to the devil and no provision for the flesh. Through the help of God and ministries that advocate sexual healing, I’m managing to stay free from porn. Freedom is so refreshing!! I encourage you guys to do whatever you have to do in order to get/stay free as well. Cut off your resources to porn! Read up on how destructive it is. Stay prayed up. Ask for help. Know that freedom is possible, and forgiveness is provided through the blood of Jesus Christ.

God Over Homosexuality

MY TESTIMONY: EX-HOMOSEXUAL

I wasn’t completely submerged into the homosexual lifestyle as many others were. I never accepted the identity of being a homosexual man, never participated in gay pride, never had a boyfriend and never had intercourse with a guy. I was more so in a “bi-curious” phase, due to a chain of same-sex encounters I had with other guys growing up (most of the guys either molested me or seduced me into allowing them to “go down on me”). At first, I was turned OFF by the whole ordeal, but eventually I started getting turned ON; because, let’s face it–Sex feels good. And soon enough, I began to get turned OUT. I wasn’t God-fearing at the time, but I did have my own sense of moral convictions when it came to sex, and there were some things I just couldn’t see myself participating in. However, over time, I began to compromise my standards.

I was looking for affection, attention, acceptance and validation in men because I wasn’t getting much from women (besides my mom and grandma, but they don’t count). I had a couple girlfriends within my teen years, but those were very immature relationships. After all, what does a teen know about relationships? Most girls would often reject me, which damaged my self-esteem. However, when men started to compliment me, I felt my self-esteem rise back up. If another man was showing interest in being with me, then I thought ‘there must be something worthy about me.’ If another man was bold enough to tell me that I was “cute”, then I thought ‘I must be attractive.’ I became amused by this perverted sense of love and affirmation I was receiving. This false confidence that began to build up in me slowly festered into pride and vanity.

To make matters worse, I was raised by a single parent mother, and as her only child, I didn’t have any male role models. That made me take on a softer, feminine gender role with regards to my emotions and hobbies. The lack of a male figure in my life, along with those bi-curious encounters I had growing up didn’t help me in my quest to become more heterosexual or masculine. In fact, when I discovered porn, namely gay porn, it was a rap. I subconsciously began to transition from bi-curious to bisexual, to homo-curious, because porn began to manipulate my mind and it fueled my otherwise unwanted sexual desires for men.

Because I had already been groomed in a feminine atmosphere, I began to take on a more passive role in my homosocial relationships. Being raised by a woman didn’t make me overly flamboyant, but when I started hanging around other gay men, I began to develop effeminate tendencies. And instead of being the aggressor or the initiator (as God naturally created us as men to be toward women), I would rather be the one pursued–but by men. This was due to my lack of confidence in myself, my lack of “game”, and also due to my fear of rejection and being “outed.” (One of my greatest fears was if a guy I tried to hit on just so happened to be straight, and he openly rebuked me in the public. That would be so embarrassing.)

So, many times, I would operate as a down low man, and I would use seduction–through my dress code, my extra-friendliness and through my non-verbal communication skills–to get guys’ attention. If they caught on to my agenda, they would initiate contact with me. I would end up meeting other DL dudes in the most random of places, like at Walmart, on the bus, online or in a public restroom (Not on purpose though. But a spirit can recognize a spirit), and they would get me to exchange numbers with them in order to have phone sex or to sext. Most times, I never took the time to find out any personal information about them–I didn’t know their health status, their marital status, their criminal record or even their last name. Smh.

Slowly but surely, after every encounter I had with another man, I began to notice how selfish the homosexual lifestyle was. It was all about lust and self-gratification, not about love and intimacy. Instead of being friends only, men only wanted sex from me and would peer pressure me and relentlessly pursue me until I gave them a taste of what they wanted. Sometimes, they would even be forceful with me if I refused sex. They would grab me by my arm and pull me toward themselves, or they would pin me down by my wrists if I tried to get up out of the bed. I could tell they were demon possessed because of the level of strength they had and because of the way they looked at me with their hypnotized, soul-less eyes.

The homosexual lifestyle is full of perverted and rebellious spirits. It is also full of pride and vanity. If you aren’t young or look physically attractive enough, no one wants to be with you, and if you are old in age, you can just forget it (unless it’s explicitly for sex). Everything was catered around the flesh (the outward shell) and not around the spirit (the inner person). Also, I noticed there is a lot of backstabbing, infidelity, deceitfulness, gossiping, idolatry, and not to mention diseases in the lifestyle. Ain’t nobody got time fo dat!

Furthermore, in the back of your mind, no matter how much you tell yourself that you are happy with yourself or that you are comfortable in your lifestyle, you are not. Deep down inside, you know that you are not living right. You know homosexuality is not your true identity. You feel unworthy, confused, guilty, hopeless, ashamed, rejected, lonely, depressed, isolated, unfulfilled, empty, void of love, and you are afraid that you may be condemned to hell. This is all torment–Not the life God intended for us.

Fed up with the torment which came from this lifestyle and also from demonic oppression, I was ready for change. Someone told me about a man named Jesus and his power to save, deliver and restore. It was hard for me to let go of what I was accustomed to, but I chose to give Jesus a try. It’s turned out to be the best decision of my life!

It has not easy. I’m not perfect. But I am being perfected. I’ve had many ups and downs—but the wiser I get, I have more ups than downs. I’m not innocent, but I am forgiven and justified. I am no longer guilty or ashamed of my past, because I know that my sins have been washed away and that I am a new creature in Christ. God gave me identity and purpose. He gave me hope and a future. He became my heavenly father figure and taught me how to forgive my earthly father who wasn’t there for me. God became my best friend–he has all pure motives and no sexual agenda. God taught me wisdom and discernment, which keeps me away from messy people. He’s taught me self-control to keep me from getting into compromising situations. God fulfilled the void in my life where I was thirsty for attention. Now, I’m just thirsty for his righteousness. God showed me that He is the very essence of love, and that no woman nor man can love me greater than Love himself. I learned to be content with just Him.

God delivered me from my porn addiction and from the longing desire to be with men. He even prophesied to me that he was going to give me a wife. He gave me a dream to show me who she was (a young lady from my church) and he taught me how to go about pursuing her! And just as God promised me, she said yes!!! We’ve been engaged for almost two years and our wedding is on June 28, 2014. God is teaching me to be the head and not the tail, the top and not the bottom, in my relationship with her. Instead of being passive all the time, I’m learning how to be the assertive one. Instead of longing to be cuddled or kissed by a man, I want to cuddle and kiss my wife. But, we have decided to practice abstinence and put up physical boundaries between us until after we get married. True love is worth the wait.

Temptation still comes from the spirit of perversion, and sometimes it comes heavily, but greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world! Grace saved me and grace keeps me. I don’t want to go back to the way it used to be before His presence came and changed me. The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus, my Lord and Savior. I desire to give glory to God with my life, because “doing me” only caused so much destruction and regret in my life. I’m finally at peace because I’ve allowed Him to order and direct my paths.

My name is Davon Johnson and I put God Over Homosexuality!