MY TESTIMONY: EX-HOMOSEXUAL
I wasn’t completely submerged into the homosexual lifestyle as many others were. I never accepted the identity of being a homosexual man, never participated in gay pride, never had a boyfriend and never had intercourse with a guy. I was more so in a “bi-curious” phase, due to a chain of same-sex encounters I had with other guys growing up (most of the guys either molested me or seduced me into allowing them to “go down on me”). At first, I was turned OFF by the whole ordeal, but eventually I started getting turned ON; because, let’s face it–Sex feels good. And soon enough, I began to get turned OUT. I wasn’t God-fearing at the time, but I did have my own sense of moral convictions when it came to sex, and there were some things I just couldn’t see myself participating in. However, over time, I began to compromise my standards.
I was looking for affection, attention, acceptance and validation in men because I wasn’t getting much from women (besides my mom and grandma, but they don’t count). I had a couple girlfriends within my teen years, but those were very immature relationships. After all, what does a teen know about relationships? Most girls would often reject me, which damaged my self-esteem. However, when men started to compliment me, I felt my self-esteem rise back up. If another man was showing interest in being with me, then I thought ‘there must be something worthy about me.’ If another man was bold enough to tell me that I was “cute”, then I thought ‘I must be attractive.’ I became amused by this perverted sense of love and affirmation I was receiving. This false confidence that began to build up in me slowly festered into pride and vanity.
To make matters worse, I was raised by a single parent mother, and as her only child, I didn’t have any male role models. That made me take on a softer, feminine gender role with regards to my emotions and hobbies. The lack of a male figure in my life, along with those bi-curious encounters I had growing up didn’t help me in my quest to become more heterosexual or masculine. In fact, when I discovered porn, namely gay porn, it was a rap. I subconsciously began to transition from bi-curious to bisexual, to homo-curious, because porn began to manipulate my mind and it fueled my otherwise unwanted sexual desires for men.
Because I had already been groomed in a feminine atmosphere, I began to take on a more passive role in my homosocial relationships. Being raised by a woman didn’t make me overly flamboyant, but when I started hanging around other gay men, I began to develop effeminate tendencies. And instead of being the aggressor or the initiator (as God naturally created us as men to be toward women), I would rather be the one pursued–but by men. This was due to my lack of confidence in myself, my lack of “game”, and also due to my fear of rejection and being “outed.” (One of my greatest fears was if a guy I tried to hit on just so happened to be straight, and he openly rebuked me in the public. That would be so embarrassing.)
So, many times, I would operate as a down low man, and I would use seduction–through my dress code, my extra-friendliness and through my non-verbal communication skills–to get guys’ attention. If they caught on to my agenda, they would initiate contact with me. I would end up meeting other DL dudes in the most random of places, like at Walmart, on the bus, online or in a public restroom (Not on purpose though. But a spirit can recognize a spirit), and they would get me to exchange numbers with them in order to have phone sex or to sext. Most times, I never took the time to find out any personal information about them–I didn’t know their health status, their marital status, their criminal record or even their last name. Smh.
Slowly but surely, after every encounter I had with another man, I began to notice how selfish the homosexual lifestyle was. It was all about lust and self-gratification, not about love and intimacy. Instead of being friends only, men only wanted sex from me and would peer pressure me and relentlessly pursue me until I gave them a taste of what they wanted. Sometimes, they would even be forceful with me if I refused sex. They would grab me by my arm and pull me toward themselves, or they would pin me down by my wrists if I tried to get up out of the bed. I could tell they were demon possessed because of the level of strength they had and because of the way they looked at me with their hypnotized, soul-less eyes.
The homosexual lifestyle is full of perverted and rebellious spirits. It is also full of pride and vanity. If you aren’t young or look physically attractive enough, no one wants to be with you, and if you are old in age, you can just forget it (unless it’s explicitly for sex). Everything was catered around the flesh (the outward shell) and not around the spirit (the inner person). Also, I noticed there is a lot of backstabbing, infidelity, deceitfulness, gossiping, idolatry, and not to mention diseases in the lifestyle. Ain’t nobody got time fo dat!
Furthermore, in the back of your mind, no matter how much you tell yourself that you are happy with yourself or that you are comfortable in your lifestyle, you are not. Deep down inside, you know that you are not living right. You know homosexuality is not your true identity. You feel unworthy, confused, guilty, hopeless, ashamed, rejected, lonely, depressed, isolated, unfulfilled, empty, void of love, and you are afraid that you may be condemned to hell. This is all torment–Not the life God intended for us.
Fed up with the torment which came from this lifestyle and also from demonic oppression, I was ready for change. Someone told me about a man named Jesus and his power to save, deliver and restore. It was hard for me to let go of what I was accustomed to, but I chose to give Jesus a try. It’s turned out to be the best decision of my life!
It has not easy. I’m not perfect. But I am being perfected. I’ve had many ups and downs—but the wiser I get, I have more ups than downs. I’m not innocent, but I am forgiven and justified. I am no longer guilty or ashamed of my past, because I know that my sins have been washed away and that I am a new creature in Christ. God gave me identity and purpose. He gave me hope and a future. He became my heavenly father figure and taught me how to forgive my earthly father who wasn’t there for me. God became my best friend–he has all pure motives and no sexual agenda. God taught me wisdom and discernment, which keeps me away from messy people. He’s taught me self-control to keep me from getting into compromising situations. God fulfilled the void in my life where I was thirsty for attention. Now, I’m just thirsty for his righteousness. God showed me that He is the very essence of love, and that no woman nor man can love me greater than Love himself. I learned to be content with just Him.
God delivered me from my porn addiction and from the longing desire to be with men. He even prophesied to me that he was going to give me a wife. He gave me a dream to show me who she was (a young lady from my church) and he taught me how to go about pursuing her! And just as God promised me, she said yes!!! We’ve been engaged for almost two years and our wedding is on June 28, 2014. God is teaching me to be the head and not the tail, the top and not the bottom, in my relationship with her. Instead of being passive all the time, I’m learning how to be the assertive one. Instead of longing to be cuddled or kissed by a man, I want to cuddle and kiss my wife. But, we have decided to practice abstinence and put up physical boundaries between us until after we get married. True love is worth the wait.
Temptation still comes from the spirit of perversion, and sometimes it comes heavily, but greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world! Grace saved me and grace keeps me. I don’t want to go back to the way it used to be before His presence came and changed me. The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus, my Lord and Savior. I desire to give glory to God with my life, because “doing me” only caused so much destruction and regret in my life. I’m finally at peace because I’ve allowed Him to order and direct my paths.
My name is Davon Johnson and I put God Over Homosexuality!
Transparent For Christ Movement 