Wow! I’m at home, and as I was washing dishes, I just had a flashback of my life when I was in the 5th grade (11 yrs old) and tried to commit SUICIDE!!!!
My mom had a lady friend who lost everything she had and became homeless. This lady found somewhere else to stay, but she had a son whom she didn’t want to be in that environment with her, so my mom offered to let him live with us for a while. When the boy moved into our house, my mom made me share everything I owned with him, because he didn’t have anything. I had to share my clothes and shoes, my toys, my favorite snacks and even my bed. To be courteous to the guest, I often slept in my sleeping bag on the floor while he slept in my bed.
By me being the only child, you can imagine how spoiled I was. By me having to share everything with this boy against my will, I grew very selfish and angry in my heart toward him. I became bitter and full of hate. I used to fight him all the time and make him feel unwelcomed. And of course, I would get in trouble with my mom because of it.
I began to hate my mom too, because I felt like she was neglecting me by putting this other boy before me. I felt forgotten, rejected, and unappreciated. Even though it wasn’t true, and my mom did love me dearly, I was too blind by my own selfish and calloused heart to see that. So one day, I decided to take my own life. “If my mom wants to put this boy before me,” I thought, “then fine! I’ll just kill myself and he can take my place as her new son. This world would be better off without me anyways!”
I went into the kitchen one day when my mom wasn’t home, and I grabbed the sharpest butcher knife from the drawer and pressed it up against my chest. I was about to stab myself in the heart. The boy was in the house with me and saw what I was doing and attempted to stop me. But I wouldn’t let him. Even though I was afraid, I proceeded to shove the knife into my chest when all of a sudden I heard a voice in my head: “IF YOU KILL YOURSELF, YOU’RE GOING TO HURT THOSE WHO LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU’RE GOING TO HURT YOURSELF.” I didn’t know where that voice came from, but I thought about it. If I die, that’s it. I don’t have to live with the pain of loneliness, depression, rejection, etc. anymore. But on the flip side, my mom will have to live the rest of her life with the pain of a son who committed suicide. I grew convicted. Then I put the knife back in the drawer, ran in my room and cried. How could I have been so full of hate and selfishness?
I was not a Christian at that time and I didn’t know the voice of God, but I know now that it was Him who intervened in my life and saved me from contemplating suicide! Thank you, Jesus! I don’t believe I’ve shared this testimony with anyone before, except my mom, but that wasn’t until years later. But I just wanted to share it now since it ran across my mind.
If you are contemplating suicide, know that although you may be putting an end to your pain, you will be causing pain to the many others who love you. Don’t do it! Jesus saves. He can deliver you from depression, hopelessness, loneliness, rejection, self-hate, shame, or anything else that may be tempting you to want to end your life. Jesus loves you and can give you a reason to live! Trust in him!