I remember a time when I had fallen into a pattern of sin, and I felt so annoyed with myself that I didn’t feel like repenting. I just knew that I was going to fall again, so what’s the point of repenting? Ya know?
Then later that day, I was invited to someone’s church, but because I had a guilty conscience, I didn’t feel like going, yet I went anyways. Ugh. When I got there, the church had just started praise and worship service. But I just sat in my seat and folded my arms, because I felt like a hypocrite. When I looked around and saw everyone else praising and worshipping, I began to get mad at them. Then my anger turned into hatred.
I was angry at them and was growing hatred towards them because I was CONVICTED. My conviction was based off of godly jealousy. You see, they were in right standings with God and was praising him joyfully. But I was in a sinful state and knew I was not where I should be in my walk with the Lord. I was mad because I felt like I couldn’t be as joyful as them. I also began to hate God because I saw that he was getting all the attention and glory, and because I was in sin, I didn’t want God to be glorified.
Then I heard Jesus speak to me in my ear. He said, “What did my Father do to you?” I was like, “Huh?” (because I didn’t know where that random thought came from). Then Jesus repeated himself, “Why is your face downcast? What did my Father do to you to cause you to become angry with him and his people?” Then I thought about it for a second…. I couldn’t find anything negative that God had ever did to me. I couldn’t think of one time where God was not good to me. Then I replied to Jesus, “Nothing. God is benevolent. He didn’t do anything wrong to me.” Then Jesus said, “If he didn’t do anything wrong to you, then why are you mad at him? If he has been nothing but good to you, then why won’t you praise and worship him?”
That opened my eyes. I had never thought of it like that before. I had misdirected my anger towards myself and put it on God and his people. If only I had just repented, I would have been freely forgiven and I would have been on a clean slate again. I apologized to the Father, then my anger quickly turned into tears as I stood up and burst out in worship: “God you are soo good to me! And you deserve all the honor!”
The end. 🙂