Ever since I’ve been saved, and God has been dealing with me in regards to my homosexual struggle, I’ve been blaming the men who have molested me for the reason why I was the way I was. If it weren’t for my cousin molesting me in my house while I was in the 7th grade… If it weren’t for this senior who took advantage of me in the staircase when I was in the 11th grade… If it weren’t for my dorm mate who seduced me in my freshman year of college… etc.
I’ve had bitterness, unforgiveness, but also fear of these three young men for the longest. Fear that if I run into them again, that I would get molested or seduced by them again. And every time I would share my testimony, I would use those instances between me and them as a crutch as to why I had the struggle. But God showed me that if anyone, I was the one in error. Before you point the finger at someone, always look at yourself first.
It’s not what happened to me that defiled my temple, it’s what came out of my heart as a result, that defiled me. It wasn’t a sin for me to be molested or seduced. That guilt was on their hands…. It was a sin, however, for me to hate them, have unforgiveness and fear towards them, and to gossip about them in my testimony. They didn’t know any better because they were sinners. But after I got saved and gained knowledge of the truth, my heart was still wicked towards them. God had to take my crutch from me. I was going to be held accountable because I knew better.
In 2010, I mustered up the courage to speak to my college dorm mate who seduced me during my freshman year in 08, and I actually apologized to Him. Yeah he shouldn’t have done what he did to me, but I allowed it. I didn’t fight him off, I gave in. And then I went back to him, again, several times. But then he apologized to me and said he was sorry for putting me thru what he put me thru and for being an influence in turning me out and then outing me to some of our mutual friends. He lives out of town now, and he is actually saved and delivered now, and is a leader at his church. So I praise God for that. We are actually cool with each other again, now.
Then, on 7/11/11, while in the kitchen at home, my mom walked in and asked me when was the last time I spoke to one of the guys I was active with, and I immediately got offended when she asked me that, and a wall went up in me for self-defense, and I got loud with her by asking, “WHY!?” because I hate when people (especially those who have not had the struggle) ask me questions about that part of my life. When I want to share, I don’t have an issue sharing, but when someone else asks me, I get caught off guard and get offensive. But the Holy Spirit had to check me real quick, and let me know that I am a new creature, and I am forgiven and justified by the blood of Christ now… He told me not to get offended. If I get offended when someone talks about homosexuality around me, then that means there is something still in me that I’m bound by. She was not judging or condemning me, she was just simply asking me a question. So I told her, I haven’t spoken to any of them in a long while. But then I thought about it…. My mom said she didn’t really know why she asked me. She was just curious. But I knew it was GOD who had put it on her heart to ask me that question.
Why haven’t I spoken to them? If they die in their sins, they are going to Hell. But, if I came to the light, why haven’t I shinned it on them? That was selfish of me to keep the TRUTH to myself like that. So that night, I found the guy who took advantage of me in 07 when I was in the 11th grade, on FB. Then I apologized to him and asked him for forgiveness. And he forgave me. Then I told him that I forgive him for what he did to me. He said he is very sorry for what he did, and it was all his fault. Then he said he doesn’t know if he is going to hell or not. He thinks God made him gay and he doesn’t know what to do with himself. … So now, I am telling him about how to get saved and delivered by Jesus!!!
Haven’t spoken to my cousin who molested me yet, but when God opens a door, I am going to. Gotta clear my heart from bitterness and get past this fear of them. Every man deserves mercy and forgiveness. And if I received it from God, my molesters/seducers deserve it from me.