I was just having a conversation with some friends about this infamous question: “Who comes first: the Wife or the Mother?”
Let’s go to the word of God to see what it has to say about this.
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and the two shall become one flesh.
Well, there you have it. When a man gets married, he can no longer be a momma’s boy. He has to let go of his mother’s skirt and become the head of his new family.
Men, show honor and respect to your mother, for this pleases the Lord. If you can learn how to honor and respect your mother, then when you get married, you should be able to demonstrate that same honor and respect to your wife as well. But you definitely don’t want to be a man who’s going to put your mother before your wife. That’s out of order, according to the Scriptures.
A lot of men who get married have problems in their relationship because they either forget to LEAVE their mother and father or they haven’t learned how to CLEAVE to their wife. You have to do BOTH in order to have a successful marriage.
I had to learn that in my own marriage. I’ve been married for only one year now, and in the early stages, like the first few months, it was hard for me to “leave” my mom because she’s a single parent mother and I felt obligated to step up and be the man of the house in the absence of my father. My mother and I have also been by each other’s side for the past 24 years of my life, so we have a history with a lot of experience together. I couldn’t imagine life without my Momma. We were like best friends, have gone through many storms together, have confided in each other, laughed with each other, cried in each other’s arms. We have always been there for each other emotionally and financially. We have always referred to ourselves as being “two peas in a pod”.
When I got married, it felt like I was being forced to forsake a woman I had been in a relationship with for two decades for another woman, whom I had only been in a relationship with for nearly two years. Like Latoya Luckett would say, “I’m torn inbetween the two!” But as hard as it was, once I got married, I had to learn how to place my mom second to my wife. When I took my vows, I vowed to be faithful to my wife and to forsake all others. That means I had to forsake all women, including my own mom, the closest woman to me in my entire life! I had to learn the hard way how to leave, or forsake my mom when it came to emotional and financial stability. Not saying that I could never seek for her help in rough seasons of my life. But rather, I had to learn how not to vitally depend on her in these areas, as if she’s my main life support. I even had a vision one day earlier in my marriage of me as a baby attached to my mother via the umbilical cord, but then the cord got cut. That vision confirmed to me that it was time to cut the support I was receiving from my mom off. I could no longer commit [emotional] adultery against my wife with my mom. I cannot have two wives!
I had to learn how to politely keep my mom out of my most intimate marital affairs and how not to vent to her about what’s going on with me and my wife. That should be for me and my wife to work out between ourselves only. I had to learn how to fulfill my wife’s requests first before I would go run to help my mom every time she would call me for help. I had to learn how to make sure my marriage was in order. My mother will always be my mother, dearly beloved. We still have a good relationship. And if I can do anything for her, I will. But at the end of the day, I have to go home and sleep with my wife, not my mom. So I have to make sure that there’s peace in my home between me and my wife, for a house that’s divided against itself cannot stand. Plus, I’m going to be held accountable to God for my wife, not my mother.
Some married men haven’t learned this leaving and cleaving concept yet. But it’s vital for him to learn this if he wants his relationship to work. If not, then he oughta just stay single and under momma’s skirt. No wife has time to fight another woman over her own husband. She especially don’t have the time to fight her own mother-in-law over him. No husband should make his wife feel like she had to fight for his love, affection and attention. He should assure and affirm his wife that she’s first in his life (second only to God).
Mothers, you have to learn to let your son go. He’s not your baby boy any more. He’s a grown man. A family man! Stop cleaving to him. Let him cleave to his wife!
7 thoughts on “Who Comes First: the Wife or the Mother?”
one situation to consider, married couples who take up residence in the house of the parent become subject to the authority of that parent as you are on their turf, (property). thats why the word “leave” is in that scripture, scripture says to obey those in authority, so if a conflict arises, you have placed yourself under their authority by not “leaving”.
Great point. That’s why I believe it’s important — if possible — for the married couple to have their own home and not stay with their parents. It’s hard to establish your own family rules when you are living under the authority of your parents.
Any time I being that scripture up ,it’s a defensive word to my husband. He’s a mommas boy at thirty two years old. I can’t even say that scripture. It’s only been a year since we have been married. We even split up for a time. I really don’t want us to permently split.
I got married when I was 24. For the first 2 years of my marriage, I struggled really heavily with that scripture. My mom and I had been two peas in the pod for 24 years. I had met my wife only 4 years before we got married. So needless to say, my mom and I had a longer relationship, a deeper bond, and an unbreakable commitment to each other. Being married definitely redefined the boundaries between my mom and me. It caused me to re-prioritize my relationship with her. I would often put my mom first. I would take my mom’s side over my wife. I would make decisions with my mom or do things for her financially without consulting my wife. I would eat my mom’s food before I would eat my wife’s food (because nobody cooks better than mama, right?). I was the definition of a momma’s boy. Worst off, my wife and I lived with my mom for the first 4 years of our marriage! So we had no privacy. My mom gave opinions and suggestions and advice that we didn’t ask for. If she saw something that bothered her concerning our marriage, she made sure she said something about it.
Eventually, God ministered to me that my wife comes before my mother. The Bible says that when a man gets married, he is to LEAVE and to CLEAVE… I struggled with this primarily because my mom is a single woman with no husband, I am her only child, and she had no other friends but me. She depended on me for everything–emotionally, financially, socially, etc. And I felt like I owed her my life since she raised me my whole life. But the bible says that I should owe no man but to love them. And sometimes, love require sacrifice. God showed me a dream one night of my mom giving birth to me, and the doctors came to cut the umbilical cord. God told me that it was time to sever the dependency from my mom. Outside of the womb, I am now able to survive on my own. As an adult, married man, it was time for me to fend for myself and move on with my life.
I had to learn how to say no to my mom, even when it made her upset or angry. I had to take my wife’s side even when my mom felt like I was betraying her. I had to put my mom in her place and get her out of my marital affairs. It was hard. For a season, I had to stop eating my mom’s food in order to get used to my wife’s food. I had to stop allowing my mom to do things for me (cooking, ironing my clothes, etc.) that my wife was capable and willing to do. I was comfortable living at home with my mom, even though I went though so much hell in the midst of it. I was used to the dysfunction and constant conflict between me and my mom, because we always kiss and make up. But my wife wasn’t accustomed to it. I was causing unnecessary stress on her by keeping her in such hostile environment.
Eventually, when God opened a door, my wife and I moved out of my mom’s house and into our own little spot. It paid off in the end. I have a better relationship with my mom now that there is distance between us. Even my wife and mom have a better relationship now that they both have their own space. It took me as the spiritual head of authority to bring order in the house. Had I not gotten things in order, who knows where my marriage would have ended up…. I pray that your marriage gets in order too. Pray for your husband to get the revelation of that scripture. I’m sure that’s what my wife did for me. The prayers of the righteous are powerful and effective.
You are a real man i must say.💞
My father-in-law passed away 6 months ago my husband took over the responsibility in his mother house he’s over there day and night should I be upset
You should not be upset if your husband is helping his mother out around the house in the absence of her deceased husband….. But if your husband is at your mother’s house day and night and neglecting his responsibility at home with you as his wife, then you have the right to be upset. That is something you would need to communicate with him about. Let him know how his absence from his own home is affecting you and your family affairs. Ask him what do he think he can do to help his mom without neglecting his wife. See if there is anything you can do to help lighten his load, such as working with him to get the job done faster. See if there is anyone else in the family who can assist his mom. You definitely don’t want him to neglect her if she has no one else to provide and cater to her. The bible says we are to care for the widows and the defenseless. But it cannot be at the expense of your marriage. The bible says that marriage is your first ministry. He married you, not his mom. He has to come home and sleep with you every night, not his mom. So it is important to make sure that he takes care of his own domain so it doesn’t cause conflict and destruction in your marriage… Be patient with him thought. Love is patient. Love is not easily angered. Love holds no record of wrong. Love hopes all things, believes all things, endures all things. Love never fails… Love him and don’t retaliate against him. That won’t make him feel better. Be a helpmate. Pray and ask God how can you help him.
I hope this is helpful…. And sorry for the year delay. I didn’t notice your message.