Throughout my whole two year engagement, Satan had a stronghold of fear over me with regard to having sex with my wife. And he kept tormenting me with reoccurring dreams of my wedding night.
In my dream, my wife and I would leave our reception, go to our hotel room, lay down in our honeymoon bed and prepare to have “active worship” as Jackie Hill-Perry calls it, lol. And right before we got ready to “become one flesh” and consummate the marriage, I would cop out. Fear and anxiety would seize my body and cause me to not want to get intimate with my wife. Frantically, I would then sit on the edge of the bed. Concerned, my wife would crawl up behind me on the edge of the bed and would rap her loving arms around my neck and massage my chest. “What’s wrong,” she would ask. “I’m sorry,” I would reply back. “But I can’t… I just can’t do it!” Embarrassed and frustrated with myself, I would bury my face with the palm of my hands, bow my head in shame and weep. We would end up not doing it. With divine patience and deep understanding of my situation, my wife ended up just comforting me in her arms the whole night.
The exact same thing would happen every time I would have that dream. I became really bothered. Although I was attracted to women both physically and emotionally, I had never connected with one sexually. I feared that I would not be able to perform. I feared that my past decade of homosexual encounters and my past addiction to gay porn would prevent me from having a desire to have sex with my wife.
Lo and behold, on June 28th, the night of my wedding, after all of our guests left the reception, and as my wife and I made our way back upstairs to our hotel suite, the fear from my dreams began to manifest into reality. I knew that tonight was going to be the night, but I didn’t want to step foot into the bedroom; I felt like I wasn’t ready to have sex yet. The night was going by too fast! I needed time to think. Time to prepare. Time to embrace myself. I’ll just tell her that I’m too tired. It’s been a long day. Or maybe I’ll just ask her if she could hold out until we arrive at our honeymoon location. I was trying to think of every excuse under the sun not to have sex.
There were two bathrooms in our two-room hotel suite. She went inside the bathroom that was in the bedroom to take a shower, and I went into the living room area and locked myself up in the other one. As I stood in the shower, water running down my numb body, I began to hear voices in my head–Voices of the enemy. “What do you think you’re about to do? Surely you aren’t about to have sex. You have never had sex with a woman before in your life. You’ve never even gotten an erection for a woman before. You won’t know what to do. You don’t even like women. You like men. What if you can’t get aroused? What if you lose it in the middle of your performance? What if you have premature ejaculation? What if you get yours but she is left unsatisfied because she didn’t get hers? What if you don’t even like it? It’s too late now, because you’re stuck with her for the rest of your life!” I was being bombarded by all these scenarios; tormented in my mind with so much anxiety; all I wanted was for the thoughts to go away.
Then, I heard a still small voice speak to me. Although the voice was small, it was louder than all the other voices in my head. The voice said to me, “THERE IS NO FEAR IN LOVE.” Instantly, the spirit of fear and anxiety left me. Immediately, I felt this overwhelming sense of calmness come over me. I felt a peace that surpassed all understanding. I stepped out of the shower and began to proclaim over myself, “THERE IS NO FEAR IN LOVE! FEAR HAS TO DO WITH TORMENT. BUT PERFECT LOVE CASTS OUT ALL FEAR!” After declaring that into the atmosphere a few times, I boldly unlocked the bathroom door and stepped into the bedroom area, in pursuit of my wife. Then I knocked on her bathroom door to let her know I was ready.
As she came out of the bathroom in her silk robe and walked over to me, I started to feel this masculine, confident demeanor come over me. I was starting to feel like a man. As we stared at each other in the eyes, I experienced a heated passion and sensation stir up in my heart. As I grabbed her by the hips and pulled her warm body closer to me, and as her skin began to brush up against mine, for the first time that I could remember, an erection slowly but surely began to come. The enemy told me that I would never be able to get an arousal for a woman, but this night, God proved the devil as a liar as he performed a modern day miracle and rose Lazarus from the dead. We laid down and made love that night. And just like everything else that God had made in the beginning, it was good! #BookComingSoon