Gay? I can relate…

Do you currently, or have you ever struggled with homosexuality? If so, I believe I may be able to relate to you. You see, I’ve dabbled around in this lifestyle before. As a man, I’ve had deep infatuations for other men and have made out with guys before. I’ve struggled with homosexual fantasies and have been addicted to gay porn.

I’ve been called gay, homo, faggot, sissy, fruity, confused, conflicted, hypocrite, homophobic, punk, soft and mamma’s boy, among many other derogatory terms, by school mates as well as close relatives.
I’ve experienced child sex abuse from family members and sexual harassment from church folk. Though I may not have given in to the temptation, I’ve been solicited for sex acts from random men off the streets. I’ve been seduced and molested and have even molested others due to my brokenness.

I know what it’s like to battle internally with your sexual identity and outwardly with your gender roles. I know what it’s like have to live on the DL and keep secrets from everybody in order to protect your public image and reputation, to keep yourself safe from possible persecution, and to keep from bringing your family to shame. I know what it’s like to be amongst a group of “friends” who make jokes about homosexuals and you are thinking to yourself “if only they knew.” I know what it’s like to have a father who often interrogates you about your sexuality and pressures you to hurry up and get a girlfriend so his suspicions of you being gay would go away. I know what it’s like to have a mother who is so proud of you and your accomplishments in life, but would start to blame herself if she found out about your alternative lifestyle. I know what it’s like to have a praying grandmother who, if anybody, you would feel more comfortable talking to her about your struggle because you perceive she won’t judge you because she’s a Christian. But the moment right before you get ready to vent to her, she mentions how she “just can’t see how anyone could ever be gay,” and her comment just make you go back into your shell.

I know what it’s like to feel isolated, alone, rejected, depressed, confused, hopeless, angry at yourself and God, suicidal. I know what it’s like to go to sleep at night and be kidnaped, tortured, molested and raped in your dreams by lustful sex demons. I know what it’s like to seek help from church people who don’t know how to help you because they’ve never dealt with your issue before. I know what it’s like to have church people gossip about you and spread rumors around about you. I know what it’s like to claim to be a Christian who, for years, have believed in the redemptive power of Christ, yet it feels like God has forsaken you because you still have this struggle and keep giving in to your fleshly desires. I know what it’s like to feel like no one will ever understand you.

But, I also know what it’s like to encounter the love of God through Jesus Christ; To have the God and Creator of heaven and earth visit you in the night, after you’ve given up on yourself and any hope you had in being delivered, to let you know that everything is going to be alright; To let you know that if no one else understands, he does; To let you know that when your family and friends forsake you, he will take you in; To let you know that you don’t have to be ashamed of what you did in your past because in Him, you are forgiven and all things are made new; To let you know that others may have a limitation to their love for you, but how His love for you is eternal and unconditional; To let you know that in him, you are more than a conqueror and can overcome all obstacles through him if you have faith.

When I talk about the topic of homosexuality, I don’t come from a place of condemnation, but from a place of empathy. I wanted to be free and I trusted God that I could be free, and he has set me on the highway called Holiness (Isaiah 35:8). I invite you to join me on the journey to deliverance. Let Jesus come into your life. People can try to help you, but they can only minister to the surface of your issues. Only God can go in deep, minister to the root of your brokenness and make you whole again. Deliverance is a process and it is not easy. But if you trust God and endure the cross he has for you, it will pay off. Don’t give up on God, because he won’t give up on you. He’s able. And he loves you.

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