Growing up, I was attracted exclusively to females and even managed to aquire several girlfriends both in elementary and middle school. I adored the sweetness of their voice, the softness of their demeanor and the beauty of their appearance. It got to the point where I would stare at them all the time, flirt with them and even stalk them. I even noticed how I would become jealous whenever another guy would pursue after a girl that I liked. I was drawn to women both emotionally and sexually. I was 《HETEROSEXUAL》.
But outside of the school setting, I had limited access to females. I was taught that girls should play with girls and boys should play with boys. It wasn’t accustomed for girls to spend the night at my house or for me to spend the night at a girl’s house. So I was restricted to hanging out and having sleepovers with my male classmates from school, male friends from the neighborhood or my male cousins. Therefore, since most of my interactions and time was spent with other boys, I naturally began to develop a social and emotional bond with my male counterparts. We spent our time either playing inside with action figures, board games or video games, or outside riding bikes or adventuring through the woods. Being huge fans of the WWF, me and the guys I hung out with would often attempt to imitate the wrestling moves we saw on TV. But somehow, grappling turned into groping, and wrestling turned into foreplay. After playing around with other guys on what seemed to be an innocent, yet physical and intimate level, I noticed that I started to become aroused every time we would touch each other. Because I was a teen entering into adolescence, physical touch began to awaken my sexual desire. I never knew that these feelings I was having for other guys were wrong. Since they were developing quite naturally, I thought they were normal.
I was still into girls, though. So in high school, I flirted with girls a lot. But for some reason, around this time, girls started to raise the standard when it came to their “type” or “preferences” in a guy. And unfortunately, I didn’t seem to make the cut. Girls started to say things to me like, “You’re trying to hard,” “You’re too desperate,” “You’re soo annoying and aggravating,” “You’re not my type.” I feared that I wasn’t their type because I didn’t have tattoos, long dreadlocks, chiseled muscles, money in the bank, I didn’t have enough swagg, or because my personality/demeanor wasn’t manly/thuggish enough. I was placed in the BFF zone by most women. My self-esteem and confidence began to crash. Because I experienced so much rejection, I felt like I had no real worth or value. Because I couldn’t seem to “snatch” a girl, I began to dislike girls, and started to paint girls in a negative light. I saw them as being vain and conceited, gold diggers, too materialistic, too clingy, too needy, too fragile, too emotional, too dramatic.
Around the same time, I began to get many compliments from gay guys when out in public, at school and even online on social networking sites, who were telling me that I was attractive, cute, fine or sexy. I didn’t hear compliments like this that often from girls, so for another guy to acknowledge me and be persistent in his efforts to communicate how he felt about me, I knew there had to be something interesting or special about me. I fed off of the compliments from men. It revived my self-esteem and self-confidence. Since women rejected me when I pursued them and since they wouldn’t pursue after me, it felt good to have other men pursue me. I noticed that it seemed easier for me to hook up with another guy than it was to hook up with a girl anyways. I wanted attention, acceptance, affection and affirmation, and men knew exactly what to say, and in some cases, they knew exactly what to do, to give it to me. I began to get 《BICURIOUS》 and indulge in sexual activities with guys who were interested in me. I felt horrible after every experience, because something in me kept telling me that the sexual encounters I was having was wrong. But how could it be so wrong when it felt so right? I suppressed the convictions in my mind to satisfy the desires of my heart. I used the rejection I received from women, the molestations and sexual harrassments I received from men, and peer pressure as a crutch and an excuse as to why I began to cleave more to men. But deep down inside, what I was really looking for was love.
It wasn’t until my freshman year of college, that my conscious began to awaken and I began to understand my sexuality. Freshman year was the first time I had ever done research on “sexual orientation.” I found out that liking boys made me 《HOMOSEXUAL》. But I also liked girls, so that would have made me 《BISEXUAL》. As much as I hated being labeled, if anything, I just wanted to be 《STRAIGHT》. However, since I didn’t fit the definition of a straight person but didn’t want to openly or personally identify myself as being gay or bi, I just went on what many call the 《DOWN LOW》 instead. If anyone were to ask, I would identify myself to be straight, but deep down inside, I had these bisexual desires. I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t about my sexual orientation, though, only about sexual gratification. I just wanted to feel happy, and whether my happiness came from a dude or a chick, it didn’t matter. As long as you looked good, had a unique personality and we had chemistry — that’s all that mattered.
But after I read a few passages in the Bible, I learned for the first time in my life that homosexuality wasn’t just socially taboo or unacceptable, it was also a sin in the eyes of God, against the order of creation, and those who practice homosexuality as a lifestyle will not inherit the kingdom of God. I, therefore, began to try to purge myself of my homo/bisexual desires. I tried everything from changing the way I walked, the way I talked, the way I dressed and the way I stood. I tried to flirt with, lust after and date as many girls as I could to prove my heterosexuality, my masculinity and my manhood. But then God saw how 《CONFUSED》 I was, so he stepped into my life.
God taught me that, due to the fall of Man, I am by nature, holistically sinful–not just because I possessed same-sex attraction. He taught me that my primary focus shouldn’t be on trying to become straight because gay people aren’t the only ones who will perish if they don’t repent. Straight people go to hell, too. Anyone who lives their life in sin and does not repent and turn to Jesus for forgiveness and salvation will not inherit the kingdom of God. God taught me that our identity isn’t found in our sexual desires–whether we experience heterosexual, bisexual, or homosexual attractions. Our identities are found in Christ Jesus, our creator. We are identified, through Him, as sons and daughters of the Most High God. God taught me that the only orientation we should have is 《HOLINESS》, for without holiness, no one shall see the Lord.
As I began to focus on holy living and finding my identity in the word of God, my same-sex desires began to weaken and my desire to conform to the image and likeness of God began to grow stronger. I discovered my true purpose, which was not in living for a man or woman, but in living for the glory of God. Once I learned that, God soon began to reveal to me that it was His will for me to get married. He’s since given me a wife and has been birthing His love in my heart for her.
My aim in life is not to be heterosexual or homosexual, but to be kingdom-minded. There’s nothing more Gay (joyful) than being on the Straight and narrow pathway that leads to Holiness.
“And a highway will be there; it will be called the Way of Holiness; it will be for those who walk on that Way. The unclean will not journey on it; wicked fools will not go about on it.”